


Clearing Fog

by Etwas_Schlau



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Developing Friendships, Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gen, Mild Sexual Content, One Shot, POV Third Person Limited, Present Tense, Self-Harm, Shower Sex, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Female Character, Trans Jasper (Steven Universe)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-22 05:19:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11373387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etwas_Schlau/pseuds/Etwas_Schlau
Summary: Lapis is trapped in a cloying, unrelenting fog, but sometimes help can appear from where you least expect it.





	Clearing Fog

**Author's Note:**

> **Note:** I do not own Steven Universe. All rights to the cartoon and its characters belong to Rebecca Sugar.
> 
> I wrote eleven pages of fic based on a one-scene idea I had bc that's just how it be on this bitch of an earth
> 
> enjoy the ride, babes

She doesn’t know when it began, or why why her limbs feel sluggish throughout each day, heavy like she’s walking underwater. She doesn’t know why the dead nothingness of her day-to-day life continues to be interrupted by expanses of time when she grins like a sick dog and laughs like a madman, hardly sleeping, full of crazed energy. Most of all, she doesn’t know why she’s so afraid of it showing.

One morning, Jasper asks if she’s slept. She insists she has but those narrowed amber eyes don’t quite believe her and a spike of fear pierces her chest like an icicle. Later she smears concealer over the lavender half-moons hanging beneath her eyes. The questions cease and the makeup becomes routine.

Two weeks later she faints at work from not eating. Her manager advises she go home. She shakes her head and claims she’s fine but Garnet won’t listen. She walks home with rage burning in her empty belly. Jasper texts asking if she wants to hang. She ignores the message and goes to sleep.

A chaste kiss on the lips the next evening turns into something more. Jasper’s teeth are trailing down her neck and shoulder, strong hands gliding beneath her shirt. As fingers begin creeping under her bra, she pushes her girlfriend away. Jasper huffs, asking why she’s never in the mood anymore. She claims she’s tired and Jasper leaves. Not long after, it storms and Lapis watches the rain with wet cheeks to match.

She realizes she hasn’t showered in two weeks. She goes to work and overhears customers sneering about her dirty hair. She feels disgusting and small and she doesn’t tell Garnet when she leaves early. She walks home and showers in cold water. When she sinks into the tub she dyes the bathwater pink with blood.

When she wakes the next day it’s past four in the afternoon. She’s half naked, wearing nothing but a tattered pair of blue briefs. A bath towel is balled up uncomfortably beneath her shoulder blades and her hair is a haphazard mess from falling into bed right after yesterday's shower.

 _Coffee._ Her body is sore and her mind is still half asleep, but she pulls herself to the kitchen to brew herself some coffee. She grabs her phone from the counter; her battery is at fifteen percent and she has twelve unread messages. Eight are from Jasper and four from Zircon, a coworker she hardly knows. She rolls her eyes but opens Jasper’s conversation anyway, dully fearing what will come if she doesn't.

_Friday 4:53pm: ur boss texted me saying u left work, are u okay?_

_Friday 5:06pm: babe??_

_Friday 5:22pm: babe plz you’re scaring me_

_Friday 6:49pm: okay I see u posting on tumblr stop ignoring me_

_Friday 8:41pm: whatever im going to work_

_Saturday 5:19am: u up?_

_Saturday 12:33am: u down to hang? we can even watch that stupid canadian show u like if u want_

_Saturday 3:08pm: lol stupid me, thinking my gf would wanna hang w/ me on her day off, what an idiot amirite?_

Lapis stares emptily at her phone, dropping it back on the counter as the trickling sound of the coffeemaker ceases. She pours a disgusting amount of creamer in before lifting the chipped mug to her lips. She enjoys the the scorching of the liquid in her throat as she swallows. Glancing back at the text conversation that feels like it's leering at her, she types a response with static buzzing between her ears.

_Saturday 4:36pm: stfu. come over_

She goes into the bathroom to tame the wild blue jungle on her head, staring in the mirror for a long while after her hair is brushed. Her eyes look cold and apathetic and the violet semicircles shadowing her eyelids are more defined than ever. She shrugs; Jasper will have more important things to focus on.

Upon returning to the kitchen, she already has two new messages.

_Saturday 4:39pm: look at that, ur alive_

_Saturday 4:40pm: also, for what?_

_Saturday 4:49pm: wtf do u think?_

_Saturday 4:51 pm: what, u want me to suffer through 4 hours of camp pining hearts with u on the other side of the couch? no thanks_

_Saturday 4:52pm: do I have to scream ‘let’s fuck’ directly in ur ear or...?_

_Saturday 4:54pm: really? u haven’t wanted anything to do with sex for the past 2 months_

_Saturday 4:55pm: yeah so u should jump on the opportunity while it’s available_

_Saturday 4:55pm: ffs I’ll be over in 10_

Lapis finishes her coffee quietly. She has nothing to do but wait in silence, the ticking of the wall clock and the whirr of her bedroom fan and the ringing of her ears blending into a soundless crescendo. She stares distantly at the large chip in the eggshell wall paint by the window above the sink. She should repaint that. Her thoughts are empty yet she slips into them anyway, so immersed in her reverie that she scarcely hears the heavy knock on the door.

She strides across the room, abandoning her coffee to undo the deadbolt and throw the door open. Jasper is standing outside, eyes harboring not-so-subtle irritability. The bitterness in her gaze immediately falls away, however, upon noticing Lapis' state of undress. Golden eyes are glued to her bare breasts and Lapis almost feels pride tingling in her chest.

“Uhh, I…” Jasper trails off mindlessly, transfixed by Lapis' near-nudeness. A beat of silence passes before she grabs Jasper's large hand, tugging her inside without even shutting the door. Without warning or forethought, Lapis is standing on her toes and slamming her lips against Jasper's. Hands are smoothing down bare shoulders and other hands are tangling in long hair, quiet grunts begin filling the room.

Lapis is closing her eyes and savoring the taste of Jasper’s tongue, tugging at the grey sweatshirt between them. Their lips part as the garment is pulled over Jasper's head and Lapis resumes the kiss before either of them can catch a breath. The temperature in the room seems to rise ten degrees, air thick and hot. She’s wrapping her arms around that familiar toned neck, pressing her slim torso against those chiseled abs she knows and moderately enjoys.

Lapis doesn’t waste time, shoving Jasper back against the wall. Lungs burning, she finally pulls away to breathe as she undoes the blonde’s pants, shoving them down and away from her prize.

“Christ, what’s gotten into you, Blue?” comes Jasper's labored panting.

“Nothing, that’s what you’re here for.” In time with her words, her hands are groping the growing bulge in Jasper underwear, tearing a moan from her throat. She dips to her knees, leaning forward to take her girlfriend’s length into her mouth.

The apartment is then alive with grunts and groans, pleasured hisses and the scratch of Jasper’s nails on the wall killing the relative quiet. Time slows for Lapis, the reality around her distorting. She feels surreal like a glitching image on an old television. A strong hand lands on the back of her head, pushing her farther onto the member prodding her throat and she obliges. She chokes briefly but finds she doesn’t mind the sting.

Suddenly they’ve relocated to the bedroom. For a moment anxiety sparks in her belly, wondering if Jasper is judging her for the disorderly bedsheets and collection of dirty dishes strewn about the room. The feeling fades, however, as Jasper throws her onto the bed, yanking her blue boyshorts from her body with lustful eyes. Thick fingers are then caressing her at the apex of her thighs and her chest shakes with a shuddering sigh.

Her nerves are buzzing with pleasure and she closes her eyes, slipping into a peaceful abstraction. She braces herself on Jasper’s broad torso as she lowers down onto her girth. Lapis doesn't know whose moans are rumbling through the room as Jasper thrusts her hips to build a punishing rhythm. Nothing has meaning in that moment and she doesn’t know how long they've been fucking like depraved animals, but she feels pressure building in her abdomen. She bows her head to capture Jasper's lips as she climaxes, feeling Jasper following along a few seconds after. Her head is swimming but all she can feel is the thrumming pleasure between her legs.

Next thing she knows she’s snuggled against Jasper’s chest, breathing heavily. She’s tired and sated and quickly falling into a dreamless sleep. The last thing she hears before descending into blackness is a quiet whisper against hair.

“Love you, Blue.”

**~*~**

It’s almost midnight and pouring rain when Lapis is roused by a noise from the kitchen. She groans, feeling like her limbs are lead pipes weighing her down. It takes a disproportionate amount of effort to roll from bed and bend over to grab Jasper’s black band t-shirt from where it's discarded on the ground. Trudging from the bedroom in the shirt she finds her girlfriend at the stove with a sheepish expression on her face.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” she says, rubbing the back of her neck.

She doesn’t bother responding. “What are you cooking?”

“Beef stew and mashed potatoes. You didn’t have much in the cupboards, this is all I could find.”

Lapis hisses indiscernible curses under her breath. Those two cans of beef stew had been meant to last until her next paycheck, and the potato flakes in question were months old, leftover because she hated the taste.

She knows it isn’t Jasper’s fault; she didn’t know, but Lapis can’t help the annoyance rising in her throat. With a shaky inhale she walks away, settling on the couch. The remote is on the coffee table standing up to get it feels like a monumental task so she decides on staring aimlessly into nothing.

Jasper then joins her on the sofa, handing her a plate and turning on the television. The smell of the food on her lap is almost enough to make Lapis gag. She doesn’t feel like eating but she knows Jasper will be suspicious if she doesn’t, so she reluctantly lifts a spoonful to her mouth as Jasper flips through the channel guide.

“Do you want to watch Rick and Morty ?” Jasper asks, nudging Lapis with her elbow. “It’s a good one."

“Sure.” There’s no emotion in her voice. Her eyes flick to the TV  as the cartoon lights up the screen, but it’s as if she’s gazing right through it. The characters’ voices reach her ears but she doesn’t comprehend the meaning of their words. She doesn’t know what’s brought this on, but she sits, unmoving, as the static in her skull rises and swirls into a hurricane. Deeply entranced in reflection upon nothing, the show’s credits are playing before she knows it.

She registers Jasper’s raucous laughter from beside her. “What’d I tell you? Great episode, right?”

She doesn’t have the energy to reply.

“Lapis? Babe, are you alright?” A comforting hand lands on her shoulder and she shakes it off, feeling patronized by the gesture. A wild thought forms in her mind, an escape from questions she can't answer, and she’s speaking it before her better judgement has a chance to stop her.

“Do you want to shower together?”

Jasper blinks. “What?”

“Do you. Want to. Shower. With me?” Lapis repeats like explaining arithmetic to a first grader.

“Are you saying you want to… fool around ?” Jasper says, dumbfounded.

“Well I’m not suggesting we have a tea party in there."

“Seriously, Blue, where’s this coming from? A couple months ago you wouldn’t agree to shower sex if I begged you.”

Lapis huffs, standing and dropping her hardly-touched plate of food on the table. “Do you want to or not?:

“I do, but I-”

She growls impatiently, pulling her oversized shirt off and leaving herself naked for Jasper to ogle. “I’m going to shower, you can decide whether you want join me or you want to stay here watching cartoons."

Stalking through her bedroom and to the bathroom, Lapis steps into the shower, turning on the water and setting temperature as hot as it will go. Steam almost instantly begins to rise and she enjoys the warmth. When a few minutes pass and Jasper still hasn’t shown, a creeping dread claws into her guts. She slams her forehead against the shower wall, feeling stupid. It was a senseless idea to start; she doesn’t know why she suggested-

“Hey there, sexy,” a husky voice murmurs against her ear. Doubts forgotten, Lapis leans into Jasper's embrace behind her, feeling an already half-mast erection pressing into the small of her back.

As Jasper plants kisses down her neck and back, Lapis scarcely notices herself zoning from the moment, falling into their routine. Her back gets pushed against the wall, leg propped on the other woman’s shoulder as Jasper works her tongue between her legs. The sensation should be blissful yet she’s almost disconnected from her body, like a spectator watching the scene rather than experiencing it.

Next thing she knows, Jasper is sheathing herself in her heat. She feels pressure to match the activity she knows is occurring but she can’t focus. She's blurry and clouded like a dark, thick fog is hanging all around her. Before long, she hears a telltale groan from Jasper and she pulls out, though she hardly notices.

An angular nose presses against Lapis’ neck before lifting to her ear. “I suppose we should actually do the showering part of the shower now, huh?” she quips, chuckling breathily.

Lapis stands still as a statue as Jasper soaps a washcloth and begins to wash her shoulders and arms. She trails the rags down across her body, leaving no area untouched. As the soapy cloth reaches the backs of her knees, the bathing stops. A few moments pass, water running noisily down the drain, neither party moving.

“Lapis,” Jasper says, and the choked severity in her usually playful voice terrifies her. “What the fuck are these?”

She furrows her brows in confusion, glancing over her shoulder where Jasper is kneeling behind her. “What are you talking about?”

“These,” she demands, a large hand closing around her toned calf. Lapis’ blood runs cold and her heart feels as if her chest cavity has been filled with ice water.

Because Jasper's strong fingers are pressing against her scabbed self-harm wounds.

“I…," she doesn't know what to say, her heart is pounding and a migraine is building between her eyes and oh god, the more time that passes the less believable whatever she manages to say becomes, oh no oh no oh no, "fell down and scraped myself."

“Really?” Jasper scoffs, standing up. “What’d you fall on that cut pretty little parallel lines?”

 _Oh-no Oh-no Oh-no_ "Uhh, a rake?”

Jasper barks a bitter sound that hardly qualifies as a laugh, stomping from the shower and snatching a towel from the sink before stalking out. Lapis emerges from the shower stall without turning off the water, frantically following.

“Jasper, please!” she begins, watching her redress herself in her disheveled clothes from the bedroom floor. “I would have told you, I just-”

“Don’t bother. I can’t believe you,” Jasper says, cutting her off mid-sentence. “I’m dating an edgy teenager!”

Lapis’ whole world seems to shift on its axis, vision momentarily going fuzzy. “What.”

“Boo-hoo, I’m so sad, let me cut myself so I feel better! Let me guess, do your slit your wrists too?” Jasper taunts, derisive sneer contorting her face.

Lapis feels the blood rushing in her veins like liquid fire. This isn’t at all what she’d expected. She thought Jasper was going to be angry she hadn’t told her the truth, but this…

“What did you say?” her voice is low and dangerous, but Jasper is too rabid to notice.

“You heard me! If I wanted to date a pathetic self-harming edgelord I’d make a tumblr account.”

Rage bubbles beneath Lapis’ skin, fists clenching so hard it hurts. “Get. _OUT_!” Her own scream reverberates in her skull like a bullet ricocheting, ears ringing.

Jasper looks shocked and almost scared, and the power rush Lapis receives from it doesn't go unnoticed. “What?”

“Get out of my room, get out of my apartment, get out of my _life_ ! If that’s what you think, I don’t want you anywhere _near_ me! Go find some other loser with no standards to poison with your sickness!”

“Fine!” Jasper strides to the living room to retrieve her shirt and hoodie before leaving with a slammed door so powerful the beams in the ceiling creak and groan.

A minute passes before what’s happened pierces the gelatin in Lapis' skull. She and Jasper just broke up. The only thing in her life that made her feel anything, gone. The closest thing to a friend she had. The only person who gave a damn about her, gone. Her eyes moisten and she collapses against the wall, choking back a sob into her hands. One thought plays in her head like a broken record as she shatters; she's alone, she's alone, _she's alone_.

**~*~**

Lapis’ phone alarm sounds at 6:15 in the morning. She feels like hell, lips chapped and eyes burning. The previous night’s soul-crushing misery and hopelessness have vanished, leaving in it’s place a sick, dead numbness. All she wants is to sleep and never wake up.

It occurs to her that with the right tools she could do exactly that, but what’s left of her mind pushes the idea away. She gets dressed solemnly, no energy left in her bones to manage a shower. She walks to work in silence. She's early; the doors are locked and lights are still off and so she spends her last five minutes smoking outside the cafe.

As she ties her apron on to start her shift, Zircon breezes in and greets her with a cheerful wave. “Morning, Lapis.”

She rolls her eyes and ignores the other woman as someone walks up to the counter, the morning rush having just begun. Lapis tries her hardest to smile at the customers that come in, but gives up after a few orders. The line is long and the cafe is cramped, everyone talking and laughing and making the peaceful coffee shop into a cacophony of mindless noise. Complicated recipes and rude patrons and complaints about slow wi-fi are overwhelming her fractured mind, but she has to keep going, has to stand up straight, has to make it to her next smoke break.

She feels overstimulated, Zircon’s overly friendly smiles and the sound of patrons slurping their drinks and laughing at things that aren't funny dig into her brain. Struggling to control her breathing, Lapis rubs her pounding forehead with two fingers as she prepares some convoluted, multi-coloured frappuccino for an impatient man in an atrocious neon orange beanie. As she turns to take the drink to the counter, however, her sleeve catches on the espresso machine and the cup slips from her hand, beverage splattering across the floor.

“Fuck,” she hisses a bit too loud. Without thinking, she gives herself a harsh slap on the back of her head, a self-punishment that's become a reflex over the years. She can feel Zircon’s eyes searing into her back from across their workstation and Lapis feels even more stupid for doing something like that in front of her. Cheeks burning with embarrassment, she throws a rag over the spill and gets to work preparing a new drink.

About ten minutes later, once the flow of customers has calmed, Zircon approaches her apprehensively.

“Uh. Hey,” she stammers, fidgeting with her hands.

Lapis lifts her face from the counter her forehead is resting upon. “What?”

Zircon is sweating profusely and shifting nervously as she struggles to find the right words. “I, uh- I was just, won- wondering if you’re okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she deadpans.

“Well, it’s just that you’ve seemed really off lately, you left work without saying the other day, and the… uh, _incident_ earlier…”

“That was nothing, I just fucked up a little. Normal day,” she quips cynically with a humourless laugh as she turns away, praying with ever fiber of her being that Zircon would drop it.

Suddenly, a hand firmly grabs her shoulder, spinning her around and forcing her to look into concerned royal blue eyes. “Lapis, please.”

Lapis is stunned; she’s never seen Zircon so serious. She feels tears welling in her eyes from the genuine care and worry in her stare and she sharply looks away to hide thm. “I’m fine, Zircon. Just leave me alone.”

“No! Stop saying that! I know you’re lying!" Lapis bites her lip, her numb composure wavering as the previous night's events and emotions come rushing back at once. Her cheeks are then damp with her tears then and she is unable to speak, looking back up at Zircon with broken, pained eyes.

Zircon immediately steps closer, pulling Lapis into a hug. She rubs Lapis' back as she cries into her shoulder, gripping fistfuls of her jacket. Remembering they’re in public, Lapis pulls herself together as best she can for the moment, forcing herself to pull away from the comforting embrace that is the only thing she wants in that moment.

“Lapis, we should go. We can head to my place, I’ll do whatever you need, okay? I’m here for you, I care,” Zircon murmurs softly, taking Lapis' hand and giving it a brief squeeze.

Lapis smiles brokenly despite her circumstances, nodding and leaving the cafe with Zircon's hand clutched in hers like a lifeline. She glances over at Zircon as they walk, and she flashes a warm smile. The fog in her head dissipates then. For an instant, things don’t seem so bad, and for the first time in months, she genuinely believes she’ll end up okay.

**Author's Note:**

> why am I incapable of writing angst without a happy ending? why did I make Jasper such an asshole? why did I reference Rick and Morty? why am I asking you all these questions? find out next time. or not lol
> 
> all feedback is appreciated


End file.
